Secondly...
I wanted to do a post on anxiety as I know we have all suffered from it at some point and I wanted other people to know that, most importantly, you are not alone, and also that it can be treated.
My own experiences were unbearable. Horrible. I just wanted to hide...
My anxiety started when I was around 15, coming on 16 in the December. I was at high school. My Nana had passed away in the September the year before.
Growing up my Nana was my second Mother. My Nana was my Dad's Mum. She was the only person I felt like I could talk to at times and when she passed away I felt like I had lost everything.
I was sitting doing maths one day and couldn't quite understand what we had to do. My teacher repeatedly went over the work with me and for some reason I couldn't take anything in. For just under an hour I sat there and just doodled all over my page. I was normally a hard worker and would always try but this time I couldn't. My teacher walked over to me and said "Can I speak with you outside please Caley?" I was worried that I was going to get in so much trouble for drawing all over my page and not concentrating but once we got outside she asked what was going on and I explained that I didn't know. I just couldn't concentrate. She kind of gave me a telling off and thought that I was being lazy that day.
Once I was seated back at my desk next to my classmate, Brian, I instantly felt 'not good enough' my confidence was completely wiped away from me and by the time I had re-read over my notes for the task the bell had rung and it was time to leave. It was lunch time. The time where my friends and I would have a laugh and carry on and gossip.
When I got to the lunch hall I couldn't find my friends anywhere. I suddenly felt very warm and sweaty. I took my jacket off and looked around for my friends but I couldn't find them still. We used to sit in a big group so I though 'Surely someone will be here in just a minute' but as time went on they still hadn't showed up. 'I've done something wrong to them. They all hate me' I worried.
After 10 minutes of waiting in the usual place and still my friends hadn't appeared I started to really panic. I could hardly breathe and then out of nowhere I burst into tears and couldn't stop. My heart was racing and I thought that everyone had been looking at me and talking about me so I walked out of school and skipped the rest of my school day.
The next day though, my friends had reminded me that we were supposed to meet elsewhere for lunch and because I completely forgot, I suffered from my first panic attack. My first of many. It was horrible thinking back to how I felt the day before but being with my friends helped me to feel at ease. I hadn't done anything wrong and they certainly didn't hate me either!
For the next few weeks after this episode I was always wary about plans. I had to know what was happening for reassurance.
One morning before school I had just got my coat on and opened the front door but slammed it shut. I couldn't leave the house. I'm not sure what caused this but I felt like the whole world was against me. I felt a sense of panic and extreme fear. I had to pretend to my Mum that I was ill so that she would let me stay home. She did but every single day after that I had the feeling of being trapped. Being trapped in my own home.
For years, even after I had left school, the anxiety stopped me from living my life and going out. I couldn't face being on my own. I didn't like using public transport even if I was with friends and family. I hated even calling people on the phone. The thought of even walking outside on my own terrified me. I was trapped in my own mind. A prisoner in my own home.
When I had my son, the anxiety seemed to have gotten a little better but it hadn't gone and I was so fed up of having the anxiety control me and my life. It stopped me from going out which then ended up in me losing some friends as they thought that I just didn't want to be around them. Of course I wanted to hang out with my friends but my anxiety took over and left me too scared in case another panic attack happened.
I decided that enough was enough and I went to see my doctor. He explained that I had social anxiety and then I was put on medication to help control it. I was to take the medication for just 3-4 months and then go back and see him to make sure that things were okay. They weren't.
I still felt the exact same and I knew that nothing happens overnight or in just a few weeks but I was so determined to fight this and not let it beat me anymore. I constantly felt like I was drowning and I was severely fed up. I told him how I felt so he suggested CBT - one of the bests thing I have ever done!!
I kept going to CBT appointments for a year and it helped me to become me again. I finally felt free from the anxiety and the everyday struggles that I faced all the time.
If anyone with really bad anxiety needs help then I would recommend going to your doctor and asking for more information on CBT or by clicking on this link:
Just mostly importantly remember - you are not alone and there is help and advice out there for people struggling.
It is definitely okay not to be okay 💓
"You are stronger than you seem, braver than you believe and smarter than you think you are"
Caley 💜
** All images are taken from Google images **
** All images are taken from Google images **
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